// Still Thinking About My Ex, but I Have a New Boyfriend!

by Natalise on April 19th, 2011

Dear Natalise,

I’d really like some advice. I wouldn’t usually write into a “love column,” but it seems like you might have some good words of wisdom.

I’m going out with this guy, and I do really like him. But, it hasn’t been that long since my last boyfriend and I broke up. I thought this was going to be a good situation for me, but there are times when I still think of my ex. The other day, I thought that maybe I was going crazy because all of a sudden I just really missed him, really really bad. I don’t think I’m just using my current boyfriend as a “rebound” because I honestly really like him. He’s really cool and good to me. I like him a lot and we have fun. Have you ever felt this way? Do you think this is normal and am I dishonest if I don't tell my new boyfriend?

Thanks,
A.J.L
Dear A.J.L.,

I've definitely felt this way - you're not alone. In fact, I wrote a song called "Another Lover's Day" (which will hopefully be on my next album), and it's about a similar situation. The only difference between your situation and mine is that I knew I needed to get out of the new relationship because feelings for my ex lingered. After writing the song, I actually broke up with my (then) new boyfriend. :( I still feel sad/bad when I think about it, but it had to be done. I wasn't being fair.

So what I'm trying to say is... you're not crazy (not according to me, anyway).

But that all being said, I think that if you continue to feel haunted by thoughts of your ex, then you should be honest and tell your new boyfriend that your mind is clouded by unresolved feelings. And then, maybe you DO need to close the door before you move on with someone new. You will never be able to give your whole heart to someone else until you get closure. And I'm not asking you to go back to your ex and talk with him (per se)... because you guys broke up, so there's probably a good reason why it didn't work. But it may be that you just need to take some time for yourself.

Only you know how you truly feel about this situation. And if you're confused, then take some time to think about it. You need to get clarity (within) and you need to be fair to everyone involved. My sense is that if you make those two goals a priority, then you will know what to do at the right time.

xoxo, Natalise

p.s. SONG ASSIGNMENT - I don't know about you, but when I was going through this time, I was listening to really sad songs... they helped me think. Here is one that I love.


Posted in Love & Relationships, New Love, Getting to Love    Tagged with Exes, Ex-Boyfriend, New Love, Still Thinking About My Ex, Love and Relationship Advice, Sara Bareilles, Gravity, Addiction, New Boyfriend


4 Comments

KT - April 19th, 2011 at 11:34 AM
My little cousin and her best friend performed this song for their HS talent show. Lovely song!

I think it's only natural to think about your ex. At any given point of any given day, there's bound to be something that reminds you of an ex. It's just human nature. The question is, how intense are those memories? Something strong enough that you'd want to act on them?

Ask yourself this - if your ex were to reach out to you and ask for a second chance, what would you do? If your first instinct is to run right back to him, then yeah, it's definitely not fair to stay with your current boyfriend. If all that comes to mind are just pleasant memories but that's it, then give yourself some time, realize that you're human and give the new bf a chance to show you that he can be the one you think of every day.
Hardlyhandsomest - April 19th, 2011 at 6:20 PM
I know exactly how you feel... Sometimes you think you're over someone, but you're always thinking of that person.. I have a quote for you, "You know you're in love when everytime you're away from that person your heart shatters into bits and pieces, but then a simple hello from them would bring all the pieces back together again."
Alyson - April 20th, 2011 at 8:37 PM
Getting over exes, especially ones you really cared about, is hard. It happens to all of us. But move on. Sounds like this guy could be really cool. Give him a chance.
Kim - January 13th, 2013 at 10:52 PM
I'm going through the same thing I just don't know what to do my new guy is just lovely but at least once a day my mind will wonder and daydream about my ex especially now I know his into someone else I keep picturing them doing what we used to do when we were first together

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